Diving deep tonight...
Lately I've been feeling like I'm on autopilot. It's the same feeling I got just before succumbing to realizing I had some sort of postpartum issues going on just before my first born turned 1. Whether it has to do with this dreadful weather, or it actually has some sort of chemical explanation something is just feeling sort of blah.
I watched a commercial today about the apple watch set to come out later this month. All the incredible things it did both excited me and terrified me at the same time. How cool is it that you can change the face of your watch daily with infinite options!... was my simplest thought. And then, WTH am I thinking... being able to read e-mails, answer phone calls, tell the time, track your calories, steps, children.... on a WATCH..... AHHHHHHHHHHH What is the world coming to? No freakin' wonder I have post partum anxiety. After this commercial I immediately daydreamed these things were non existant. And then, not really wishing on a star because the sky is disgustingly clouded over beneath the blackness of night, I pretended to wish I was back in the 80s. During this time there were a couple basic things coming on the market in the way of technology, but there was no dependency on constant contact with.... THE WORLD. No sort of fascination with people you didn't know... unless it was your neighbour across the road who had a fetish with dressing up in costumes year round or the lady down the street that was having an affair with the mailman (none of these things happened in real life... but they sure sound kinda cool if they were... haahhaha). It was still the time where rules were set by parents, guidelines at school were REQUIRED to be followed and being a kid was unbelievably fun and slightly innocent (I appreciate this more now).
Touching back on this blog thing being a way for me to learn about myself, to find happiness and clarity in life, I have realized one of my biggest insecurities stems from "what other people think."
I am a very confident person. I speak my mind (very often when I shouldn't), I debate topics that are important to me (very often with too much passion) and I have no trouble speaking in public (or some may say I love to hear myself talk). This trait I am happy to still have. Elementary and secondary years provided first real look at my biggest insecurity. Because of my apparent social awkwardness and my thirst to be heard/poke my nose where it shouldn't be... my school years were... well... let's say, something that I have locked away TIGHTLY in a vault never to be revisited. What people thought of me guided my every move. If it weren't for a brief break in the dark clouds of my adolescence where, I, the bottom of the totem pole highschool nerd dated the captain of the highschool football team, I may not even be a blogger... and may be living deep in the woods somewhere without wifi drowning in my weirdness.
My problem is, I haven't ever really grown out of it. Still kinda socially awkward, speak out of turn and off topic, say the most random things at the most inappropriate time kind of person... I struggle.
I'm an introvert whose worst enemy has started to become social media.
I love sharing pictures of my beautiful family. My 2 gorgeous girls and my fur baby Charles. I have a tremendous career that I worked very hard to obtain and a fabulous husband who I often think is crazy to be putting up with me. My thirst for affirmation though has become debilitating. Often times I wish I was a reality show just so I could hear what people thought. Am I crazy? Is my house really that messy? Am I borderline on the classification of a hoarder (I keep the most random collection of things). But most of all my insecurities have crept into my abilities as a mom.
I think to myself... am I a bad mom for not taking my children outside in the frigid windy cold? Do my kids watch too much tv? If I sit on the couch for 10 minutes to catch my breath and drink a coffee while my kids play, am I lazy?.... because I'm not making 2 dozen carrot/apple/quinoa/stevia/other random healthy shit muffins from scratch and taking a picture of them for insta followers.
Am I a bad mom for piling my kids in the car just to go to Tim Hortons 10 mins up the road and then drive around the country side so I can enjoy my steeped tea whilst my kids are confined to their carseats (mostly sleeping... never unhappy). Is it awful that I can help build a fort, but then draw the line at re-building it for the 17th time in one day? Should I be letting my child play with water in the house? Am I doing her a disservice by not letting her find out what orange juice that's sat in a hot car all day tastes like? Can I google any of the above questions... sadly.... probably... because this generation is so dependent on what someone else did in these situations... we can't just think for and trust ourselves.
Do I need to relax more.... do you see where this is going?
It's like we have so many opportunities now with social media, to judge other people....that actually we just wish to be "judged" ourselves. I wonder if our parents ever had these feelings of inadequacy? Whether they wished someone could come in and tell them they were doing a good job, or whether they just kept on truckin'. They were none the wiser to BettyLou and SuzyQ harvesting their own spices or making wheatfreeglutenfreecaloriefreesuperboring varieties of regular food and were still just as excited to see hotdogs and refried beans come on sale. When it all comes down to it... is "forgetting what other people think" even achievable anymore in the way of the world? Is me being a social media whore my problem, and if so... where do I sign up for social media rehab.
Ughh.... apologies for the "all over the place" blog. My thoughts seem a bit scattered surrounding this topic.