Well, being back in the blog saddle has been something I feel like I've only dreamt of. The thoughts rattle around my head and from time to time I think "Hey, that'd make a good blog!" but before I know it, like the rest of my thoughts, the idea is gone.
It's been since July that I've posted and I can run down exactly why I went MIA and why I probably will continue to seem as though I am living under a rock, only to peak out once in a while. In the summer I battled with the guilt of the decision to go back to work part time or full time. It was a decision that came with many pros and cons, but a lot of false expectations and lack of a realistic assessment of what it would all look like both ways. I took the job. A full time, Grade 2 position not 20 minutes from my door. I took it for my own independent well being, to help support my family and to regain some social/public sanity. But very quickly I got swallowed up in the fast paced, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants whirlwind of FULL TIME WORKING MOM status.
Holy man, I would just like to take the time to give props to those who do it alone. You single moms are a force to be reckoned with. A huge props (although I secretly wish to pretend you don't exist) to moms, furthermore "mom-teachers" with those big beautiful blogs that keep me going. Holy Hannah, how in the world do you have time to do what you do? This blog post you're reading is a rarity; simply a brief moment in time that I have decided to stop procrastinating on Facebook and do something somewhat cathartic and good for myself. I need words. I miss words. I miss my own time.
Last night my husband had a hockey game. It was right around bedtime, but he was going out for a social or two (or 10) afterwards, leaving me with a night to myself! Woooooot! What do to what to do?!!? The sad part is, just crawling into bed will never be something that is an option as any mom know's there's no such thing as early to bed. Too many things to get done first. I had it all planned in my head (which may have been my #1 mistake). It's like the little villians sniffed out my thoughts and plotted to railroad the hot bath I ran for myself. Child #1 wanted to watch another show, have a snack and play with playdoh (I say "play with" but I really mean "crumple it up and let it crumble and fall all over the floor, chair, table etc then refusing to clean it up because it will ruin all her beautiful creations.). Child #2 seemed as though she was ready for bed.... well, things aren't always what they freakin' seem!!!!!!!!! From my early 7pm attempt right through to 9:45pm she bucked the concept of going to bed at all, playing peekaboo in the dark and insisting on reading 5 books, and naming all my facial parts (eyes, ears, nose, mouth) about 20 times all with a big cheesy grin on her face.Yes, such a touching moment and very educational to her development BUT not on the night mummy has a bath in sight. UGHHHHHHH The evening ended in letting a bath full of cold water and Epsom salts out while folding laundry and realizing at that point of the night, it didn't even make sense to pour a glass of wine anymore.
I miss "Me" time. I truly do. Call me selfish, call me ungrateful but gosh darn it I think the last time I picked up a magazine was to fish it out of a toilet put there by mischievous toddler #2 whose fascination for the toilet gives me anxiety. I miss crafting, drawing, playing video games and just plain going to bed early. *Sigh*
From the time I wake to the time I fall asleep my mind is running in a million different directions. I am shocked that most days I look decent at work, got there in a timely fashion and didn't forget to drop both kids off at daycare/school. It amazes me how moms "do," how on the surface most appear to really have their shit together. Some may look at me and think, "wow, she's really doin' it," when the reality of it all is; on a daily basis, I'm frazzled in my mind. I need lists to remind me to do such simple things are "Stop at the mailbox to mail Christmas Cards" (which, by the way, I can only thank the devine miracle of magic to have addressed and sent 78 cards this year). I drop the girls off and my clock starts ticking... I have exactly 9 hours from the time I drop them off to the time I have to pick them up again, before I'm charged more $/girl. This usually leaves me about 20 minutes after the school bell to tidy up my class, wash some grimey germ plastered desks and pack multiple bags with homework to take home with me to get ready for the next day (I seriously look like a bag lady carting obscene amounts of homework home each night). Usually once in the car, this leaves me with 1 x 10 minute stop on my way home. Sometimes this takes careful consideration as although Walmart is a "One-stop-Shop".... it does not fall under the allotted 10 minute allowance bracket. Usually it's either a Mac's Milk where I can double and get milk, cheese AND lunch meat! OR it's shoppers drug mart where I can usually get hairspray and chicken fingers doubling for dinner and a near miss of a morning hair disaster. BOOM!
What I have learned through it all,
I am a force to be reckoned with. I may not be a perfect housewife, I may not always have "Fresh" cooked dinner on the table... but my kids are clean, their library books are returned on time, I get them to and from their required destinations and for the most part I do it with a smile on my face. Above all else, I love them, DEARLY and am trying to set an example for work ethic and sheer independence. Being a full time working mom is the hardest thing I think I will ever do. I'm not asking for praise, nor recognition.... just a good recommendation to a good cleaning lady!